‘It comes at you every day that you have cancer’
Robbecke’s first experience with depression began when his wife of 30 years, Arlene, died of colorectal cancer in 1999. Robbecke sold his lumber business to devote himself full time to her care. She had loved her job as an accountant and wanted to continue working; he saw to it that she could. He drove her to her office and home every day, did all the grocery shopping and cooking, took her to her medical appointments, kept track of her medications.
A fighter, she was convinced she would beat her cancer. When the disease moved into her spinal cord and paralyzed her, she said, “I’m done.” A week later, she died.
That was when “the world fell apart,” said Robbecke, now 69. For years afterward, the sadness would come in waves.
In 2005, Robbecke, after two years of puzzling symptoms, received his own diagnosis.
“I thought, leukemia is leukemia — it’s just going to progress, and I’ll be gone,” he said.
That was before he heard about a new type of drug that was changing CML into a chronic, manageable disease. Prescribed imatinib, or Gleevec, he thought, “I might be able to stay alive a couple of years.”
But as grateful as he was for the lifesaving, one-pill-a-day treatment, the side effects knocked him flat.
Every afternoon after taking the drug, Robbecke felt like he was coming down with the flu. Sleep, already troubled since the nights he had spent in his car outside the hospital so he could be close to Arlene, became even more elusive. Severe gastrointestinal side effects kept him largely housebound.
“You wouldn’t want to go out because you didn’t want to be too far away from a bathroom,” he said. “Anything social, you shied away from. You ended up being stuck in your own little shell.”
He busied himself remodeling his house. Watching his grandson after school “kept me going,” he said. But eventually, Robbecke realized that the waves of depression he’d long experienced had become near constant.
“It kind of goes with the territory,” he said. “It comes at you every day that you’ve got [cancer].”
Still, it took a while to seek help. One of the reasons he resisted was that, having seen so many doctors when his wife was ill, he didn’t want to “add to the doctoring process.”
When his SCCA oncologist recommending seeing Fann, Robbecke told himself he’d go “once or twice, and that would be the end of it.”
Fann set about finding ways to alleviate the drug’s worst side effects — and also to help Robbecke sleep.
“He was so calm and collected,” Robbecke said. “He’d listen to what you had to say, then suggest, let’s do this or that. We tried different [medications] until I could sleep better.”
His advice to others: Get help sooner rather than later. And seek a therapist who has experience dealing with cancer patients.
“It’s something you really can’t deal with on your own,” he said. “Most of us men, especially, think we’re tough and can handle all this. But you really can’t. You lay awake at night thinking, ‘I’ve got cancer. I’m going to die.’ It’s hard to deal with without a professional who really understands.”
Permission to grieve
Kaminski’s version of toughing it out was holding on to her role as family caretaker. She had a hard time acknowledging her own struggle because she was trying to attend to her family’s emotions by masking her own.
She also felt guilty about being depressed because friends and acquaintances kept telling her how lucky she was: Her cancer was diagnosed early, at stage 1, and so many others were worse off than she was.
“People would say, ‘It’s not like you’re dying or anything,’” she said. “And they were right. But they were forgetting I still had to go through the same steps as everybody else. I had to have surgery. I had to have radiation. Being told I have cancer scared me.”
Fann helped her acknowledge that yes, she still had to go through the process. Yes, she has a great prognosis, but she still had to grieve.
“He made it OK to be me, instead of not wanting to be me,” she said. “That was the hardest thing for me: To recognize that my experience is valid, and I have to deal with it and not just push it down.”
Seeing Fann allowed Kaminski to drop her barriers, first to him, then to others.
“After I started seeing Jesse and I truly started listening to what he was saying, I could cry on my husband’s shoulder,” she said.
Her advice to others is similar to Robbecke’s: Get help from a therapist or psychiatrist who has experience with cancer patients.
And, like Robbecke, she counsels: Don’t wait until you crash all the way down.
“My hope in sharing my story is that others won’t wait until they can’t hang on any more,” she said.